jokes

 mental hospital:-

                                After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry." 

you've got a mail:-

                           A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.

About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again. She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.

She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked.

"Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling me that I've got mail!"

 Feel better now:-

                           Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Stop sign:-

                   A policeman pulled over a car, walked up to the driver's window, and asked the man if he knew why he was pulled over.

"No," the man replied.

"You failed to stop at the stop sign," the cop explained.

"But I did slow down!" the guy argued.
The cop shook his head. "You are required to stop. That's why they're called stop signs."
The man started to get belligerent. "Stop, slow down -- what's the difference?"

The cop pulled out his baton. "I can show you. I'm going to start hitting you with my baton. You tell me if you want me to stop or slow down."

 Dead bird:-

                  Atif and Goher were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Goher says, "Aww, Atif, look at the dead bird."

Atif looks up at the sky and says, "Where?"

Who is stupid?

                     A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" 

Talking too much:-Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother.

 Innocent girl:-

                         A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"

The little girl replied, "My homework." 

 Cigarette :-

                      santa apne father k samne cigrate pi raha tha. Logon ne kaha ke aap apne father ke samne cigratte pi rahay ho? 

Santa bola : Wo mera father hai, koi petrol pump thodi. 

Imagine:-

                 Interviewer : Imagine, in a closed room, how can you escape if it caught fire?hamid : Simple, Stop imagining.

Fighting:- 

santa banta were fighting after exam. Sir: Y r u fighting? 
santa : This fool left the answer sheet blank, Sir: So what? 
santa: Even i did the same thing, now teacher will think that we both copied.